A Compilation of the Best of the Worst Music 2011 has to offer. ..
A guest post from the legendary Mr Matthew Hevey aka 'Doofin'. And a mighty fine one at that I might add. Here's to hoping this is not the last such post from Matt, because this... is glorious.
20) Willow Smith – 21st Century
Apparently, level 25 in Scientology involves forcing your daughter to record an impotent version of a Rihanna/Kesha mashup. Thankfully, it looks like Willow has already gotten her own Wild, Wild West out of the way.
19) Patrick Stump – This City
Look, I was all for being a Fall Out Boy apologist when it seemed like they were the only band around. Somewhere I grew tired, much like Stump’s ongoing crusade to prove he is the white Michael Jackson. If only that was true, so he could have been drugged by a money hungry physician and spared us from this garbage.
18) Chris Brown – Look At Me Now
I really struggled putting this song here, as it’s a ridiculously good beat, not to mention Busta and Lil Wayne’s turns are more than enough to make it a good song on its own. Unfortunately someone let Chris Brown in the studio, where he somehow channeled his inner John Lennon to come up with some lyrics like:
…she accidentally slip and fall on my dick
Oops I said on my dick
I ain’t really mean to say on my dick
But since we talking about my dick
All of your haters say hi to it…
I’d make a domestic abuse joke, but Brown’s grasp of rhyme scheme seems to be the lower hanging fruit.
17) Design the Skyline – Surrounded by Silence
You know those kids who drive their parents to nervous breakdowns by haphazardly banging pots and pans and throwing temper tantrums for no reason? Well, a group of them grew up and formed a band, got anime haircuts and reaffirmed your suspicions that there is no God.
16) Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song
What is there to say? Bruno Mars doesn’t feel like doing anything. You know, like being original or writing a halfway decent song. Truthfully, who can blame him, what with so much pompadour styling and so little time?
15) Big Sean – Dance (A$$)
In 2009, Jay Sean brought us the seminal hit “Down”, where he repeated the titular word 72 times in a span of under 4 minutes. Not to be outdone, Big Sean has decided to bring us what appears to be the most unimaginative Mad Lib ever created, with the word A$$ being repeated 76 times. Noun? “Wobbledy-wobble”, Big Sean says. Adjective? “Hammer time.” Verb? “Go stupid.” Oh, you did that and then some, (insert adjective) Sean.
14) Big Sean – My Last
You know what’s worse than Drake? Sounding like a confused ripoff of Drake. All monotony aside, this song lives on two ends of a spectrum. In one hand, Chris Brown and Overcompensating Sean are letting us know they are going to head into the night like they’ve never done it before. But just before that, they were going to do the same thing like it was their last. Thankfully, the confusion is cleared by obvious stroke Big Sean is having, causing the endless amount of stuttering. God willing, this song will be, be, be his, be his last.
13) Kreayshawn – Gucci Gucci
I’m trying hard to figure out how I am supposed to respect three white girls from Oakland who dress like a hipster crashed headfirst into a secondhand Disney store. Oh, and then they make aural vomit. I’m pretty sure I’d rather listen to a pack of rabies-infested raccoons eat my firstborn then listen to this golf range vacuum cart.
Because they suck balls, you see.
12) Lady – Yankin
For years the world has been clamoring for a daring female rap artist to tell us how fantastic her vagina is. Right on cue, Lady showed up. And with a classy name like that, we were sure to learn all the subtle nuances of and genteel ways to please a woman’s hoo ha. Or, maybe she could be a psycho whore who equates her flesh covered bear trap to a group of weightlifters playing tug of war, and the rope is attached to your penis.
11) Chris Brown – Wet The Bed
This is your third appearance, Chris. 2011 was obviously not a good year for you, highlighted by your grotesque explanation of moistening your lover’s lady bits. Where Ginuwine tried to be cute with metaphors, you cut no corners and took what should have stayed a locker room conversation and applied a D’Angelo beat to it, proving once and for all that you think as much of songwriting as you do Rihanna’s face.
10) Lil B – I Got Aids
Remember when Tupac wrote Brenda’s Got A Baby and you thought, “What a good exposition into the life of a single woman in the hood and how hard life can be overall?” Well, Lil B wants to take all of that, throw it out the window and make AIDS sound more uncomfortable that it could ever actually feel. There’s a good message in here, unfortunately it’s wrapped in lyrics whose T-Cell counts are diminishing with every second.
9) Lady Gaga – Judas
Nothing more than a cacophony of afferent intonations bombastically reverberating in sonic resonance culminating in an insipid and inutile denouement with no formulated missive. See, Gaga, I can be pretentious with saying anything too! In the future, stick to sounding like Madonna rather than acting like her, as this is nothing more than a pop version of a Disturbed song combined with your narcissistic need to say your own name in songs. How many piece of silver did it take for you to sell your soul, by the way?
8) Kim Kardashian – Jam (Turn It Up)
Turn me up turn me up turn me turn me turn me up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. That’s how the song starts. They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up. That’s how the chorus goes. As many times as Ray J came on her face, you’d think she would have at least gotten a hint of talent out of it.
7) Toby Keith – Red Solo Cup
Fresh out of ways to milk money from the masses who have no more to worry about other than Mexicans stealing all the dirt from their tires and Muslims existing altogether, Toby Keith turned to something that spends most of its existence as empty as his head is. The only thing worse than Toby Keith continuing to make music is…well, you’re about to see.
6) Trace Adkins – Brown Chicken Brown Cow
Reference to farm: Check. Reference to character with two first names: Check. Reference to beer: Check. Muppets having sex in a barn:. Chec…wait, what the living hell? More disturbing than Adkins thinking this was a good idea for a song (and video) is the fact that the two people in this song can’t get their kicks anywhere except in a barn. I’m afraid to see if the third verse includes the animals in the action. Aww, who the hell am I kidding, it’s country. Of COURSE it does.
5) Jason Aldean – Dirt Road Anthem
He’s hitting easy street on mud tires. He’s chilling on a dirt road. Laid back swerving, with an ice cold beer sitting in the console. But wait, kids, this song isn’t only about driving drunk. It’s also a lesson in everything that’s wrong with white people rapping. Yeah, Aldean *tries* his hand at flowing on the mic. He’s about as effective as Rick Perry in a debate, only with much less charm.
4) Brian McFadden – Just the Way You Are (Drunk At the Bar)
You know what’s better than a banjo laced song about DUIs and lack of infrastructure in the south? A banjo laced song about lusting after a drunk chick and date raping her in your car. This is what would have happened if those bastards that sang Cotton Eyed Joe had gotten a hold of your drink while you’re not looking. But fear not, wary drinkers, even if your rum and coke is secure, he’s already gotten rapey with your ears in this god awful mess of a song.
3) Hot Chelle Rae – Tonight Tonight
There was a scene in the Land of the Lost (don’t judge me you anonymous prick) where Will Ferrell was shit out by a T-Rex, and he has a hard time coming to terms with it. Which I’m pretty sure is an allegory for this travesty. I could go off on the holocaust of haircuts in this band alone, but I’ll hold back. It’s easy to see that their lyrics reflect how this collection of music professionals’ kids feel about music. You realize how bad this is, right? “La la la. Whatever.” But you’re not even a real band! “La la la. It doesn’t matter.” You realize you’ll never be respected because people know how talentless you are, right? “But watch how good we’ll fake it.”
Fuck you, Hot Chelle Rae. Fuck you indeed.
2) Rebecca Black – Friday
Look. You’ve heard this song 7,000 times. You and your frands have laughed at her. So there’s not too much to say here. She over enunciates her i’s, she’s indecisive about a god damned car seat, and they autotuned her autotune just to make this shit tolerable. She has a pedophilic black friend and a 1st grade grasp on days of the week. The only way in history that $5,000 was spent worse was Nicole Simpson’s security setup.
1) Heart2Heart – Facebook Official
Listen to it. Seriously, listen to the whole, miserable thing. If there is any bit of this that you find enjoyable, walk into traffic because you are a horrible person. For the rest of us, wipe the blood from your ears and focus. You know who to blame for that? Lance. M-Fing. Bass. While Justin Timberlake is becoming a silver screen darling, Lance Bass is finding ways to shit through stereo. He deserves a lifetime of punishment, to be delivered in the form of heterosexual sex for a millennia. Brian McFadden style, of course.
16) Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song
What is there to say? Bruno Mars doesn’t feel like doing anything. You know, like being original or writing a halfway decent song. Truthfully, who can blame him, what with so much pompadour styling and so little time?
15) Big Sean – Dance (A$$)
In 2009, Jay Sean brought us the seminal hit “Down”, where he repeated the titular word 72 times in a span of under 4 minutes. Not to be outdone, Big Sean has decided to bring us what appears to be the most unimaginative Mad Lib ever created, with the word A$$ being repeated 76 times. Noun? “Wobbledy-wobble”, Big Sean says. Adjective? “Hammer time.” Verb? “Go stupid.” Oh, you did that and then some, (insert adjective) Sean.
14) Big Sean – My Last
You know what’s worse than Drake? Sounding like a confused ripoff of Drake. All monotony aside, this song lives on two ends of a spectrum. In one hand, Chris Brown and Overcompensating Sean are letting us know they are going to head into the night like they’ve never done it before. But just before that, they were going to do the same thing like it was their last. Thankfully, the confusion is cleared by obvious stroke Big Sean is having, causing the endless amount of stuttering. God willing, this song will be, be, be his, be his last.
13) Kreayshawn – Gucci Gucci
I’m trying hard to figure out how I am supposed to respect three white girls from Oakland who dress like a hipster crashed headfirst into a secondhand Disney store. Oh, and then they make aural vomit. I’m pretty sure I’d rather listen to a pack of rabies-infested raccoons eat my firstborn then listen to this golf range vacuum cart.
Because they suck balls, you see.
12) Lady – Yankin
For years the world has been clamoring for a daring female rap artist to tell us how fantastic her vagina is. Right on cue, Lady showed up. And with a classy name like that, we were sure to learn all the subtle nuances of and genteel ways to please a woman’s hoo ha. Or, maybe she could be a psycho whore who equates her flesh covered bear trap to a group of weightlifters playing tug of war, and the rope is attached to your penis.
11) Chris Brown – Wet The Bed
This is your third appearance, Chris. 2011 was obviously not a good year for you, highlighted by your grotesque explanation of moistening your lover’s lady bits. Where Ginuwine tried to be cute with metaphors, you cut no corners and took what should have stayed a locker room conversation and applied a D’Angelo beat to it, proving once and for all that you think as much of songwriting as you do Rihanna’s face.
10) Lil B – I Got Aids
Remember when Tupac wrote Brenda’s Got A Baby and you thought, “What a good exposition into the life of a single woman in the hood and how hard life can be overall?” Well, Lil B wants to take all of that, throw it out the window and make AIDS sound more uncomfortable that it could ever actually feel. There’s a good message in here, unfortunately it’s wrapped in lyrics whose T-Cell counts are diminishing with every second.
9) Lady Gaga – Judas
Nothing more than a cacophony of afferent intonations bombastically reverberating in sonic resonance culminating in an insipid and inutile denouement with no formulated missive. See, Gaga, I can be pretentious with saying anything too! In the future, stick to sounding like Madonna rather than acting like her, as this is nothing more than a pop version of a Disturbed song combined with your narcissistic need to say your own name in songs. How many piece of silver did it take for you to sell your soul, by the way?
8) Kim Kardashian – Jam (Turn It Up)
Turn me up turn me up turn me turn me turn me up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. That’s how the song starts. They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam They Playing my jam turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up. That’s how the chorus goes. As many times as Ray J came on her face, you’d think she would have at least gotten a hint of talent out of it.
7) Toby Keith – Red Solo Cup
Fresh out of ways to milk money from the masses who have no more to worry about other than Mexicans stealing all the dirt from their tires and Muslims existing altogether, Toby Keith turned to something that spends most of its existence as empty as his head is. The only thing worse than Toby Keith continuing to make music is…well, you’re about to see.
6) Trace Adkins – Brown Chicken Brown Cow
Reference to farm: Check. Reference to character with two first names: Check. Reference to beer: Check. Muppets having sex in a barn:. Chec…wait, what the living hell? More disturbing than Adkins thinking this was a good idea for a song (and video) is the fact that the two people in this song can’t get their kicks anywhere except in a barn. I’m afraid to see if the third verse includes the animals in the action. Aww, who the hell am I kidding, it’s country. Of COURSE it does.
5) Jason Aldean – Dirt Road Anthem
He’s hitting easy street on mud tires. He’s chilling on a dirt road. Laid back swerving, with an ice cold beer sitting in the console. But wait, kids, this song isn’t only about driving drunk. It’s also a lesson in everything that’s wrong with white people rapping. Yeah, Aldean *tries* his hand at flowing on the mic. He’s about as effective as Rick Perry in a debate, only with much less charm.
4) Brian McFadden – Just the Way You Are (Drunk At the Bar)
You know what’s better than a banjo laced song about DUIs and lack of infrastructure in the south? A banjo laced song about lusting after a drunk chick and date raping her in your car. This is what would have happened if those bastards that sang Cotton Eyed Joe had gotten a hold of your drink while you’re not looking. But fear not, wary drinkers, even if your rum and coke is secure, he’s already gotten rapey with your ears in this god awful mess of a song.
3) Hot Chelle Rae – Tonight Tonight
There was a scene in the Land of the Lost (don’t judge me you anonymous prick) where Will Ferrell was shit out by a T-Rex, and he has a hard time coming to terms with it. Which I’m pretty sure is an allegory for this travesty. I could go off on the holocaust of haircuts in this band alone, but I’ll hold back. It’s easy to see that their lyrics reflect how this collection of music professionals’ kids feel about music. You realize how bad this is, right? “La la la. Whatever.” But you’re not even a real band! “La la la. It doesn’t matter.” You realize you’ll never be respected because people know how talentless you are, right? “But watch how good we’ll fake it.”
Fuck you, Hot Chelle Rae. Fuck you indeed.
2) Rebecca Black – Friday
Look. You’ve heard this song 7,000 times. You and your frands have laughed at her. So there’s not too much to say here. She over enunciates her i’s, she’s indecisive about a god damned car seat, and they autotuned her autotune just to make this shit tolerable. She has a pedophilic black friend and a 1st grade grasp on days of the week. The only way in history that $5,000 was spent worse was Nicole Simpson’s security setup.
1) Heart2Heart – Facebook Official
Listen to it. Seriously, listen to the whole, miserable thing. If there is any bit of this that you find enjoyable, walk into traffic because you are a horrible person. For the rest of us, wipe the blood from your ears and focus. You know who to blame for that? Lance. M-Fing. Bass. While Justin Timberlake is becoming a silver screen darling, Lance Bass is finding ways to shit through stereo. He deserves a lifetime of punishment, to be delivered in the form of heterosexual sex for a millennia. Brian McFadden style, of course.
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